Animal Farm

My husband is the goofiest man I know and I love him for it. His naturally sunny disposition and his positive outlook on life make my life so much more pleasant. Whenever I get aggravated with him, I try to remember that it is his ability to make me laugh even when I don't feel like it that keeps my life amusing and interesting. His sense of fun and humor is what made me fall in love with him, and I realize that it's his humorous approach to life that is one of the driving forces in our marriage. Of course, often that humorous outlook becomes downright ridiculous in retrospect.


For example, when we were first starting out in our marriage and money was tight, Jeff used to work at a pet store. He has always loved animals of all kinds and went as far as to major in Wildlife and Fisheries Sciences in college. We met because of Chemistry....not that kind of chemistry. I was pre-med when we met, he was pre-vet, and we had Chemistry together...again, not that kind of chemistry...but I digress.


Jeff suggested to his boss at the pet store that it would be a good community public relations effort if management would allow him to take some of the animals to nearby elementary schools and preschools to give groups of children the opportunity to see and learn about animals they may not get to experience otherwise. He could also show more familiar domesticated animals and talk about pet care and grooming with the kids. These little forays into the community were a source of great joy for Jeff and for the children with whom he interacted, and he soon became affectionately known to the preschool and kindergarten set as Mr. Jeff.


Usually, things progressed smoothly, the kiddies sat in rapt attention while Mr. Jeff passed each animal around and talked about the animal's life cycle and food and other items of interest. The teachers always stood in the background and marveled at Mr. Jeff's ability to keep the kids entertained and his ability to explain things to the children in a way that they could understand without Jeff talking down to them. There was always a time at the end of the presentation for the kids to ask questions and Mr. Jeff would patiently listen to them tell about their goldfish dying and having to be flushed down the toilet or the mean kitty that scratched them because the kitty was mad that they tried to take it into the bathtub with them (cats, evidently, don't make good floaty toys) or the time their cousin, Bobby, fell out of the tree because a bird pooped on him and he broke his arm and Aunt Sue had to take him to the hospital where he got a cast and then they came home and we had ice cream and we all signed his cast and...well, you get the picture.


One particular day, however, the angel that is supposed to watch over things like animal presentations to groups of school children was apparently asleep or at lunch and Mr. Jeff's day was about to get a lot more challenging. That day, he chose to take a yellow lab puppy, a very large box turtle named Caldo (I know...sick, eh? Caldo being a Spanish word for "soup" and all), and a medium sized ball python...nameless because snakes don't need names, they're gross...and they're...well...snakes. These three animals had been through the school drill with Mr. Jeff before and were seasoned performers. None of them was a biter or scratcher. All tolerated being handled and fussed over by thirty children quite well...usually.


But, it can get fairly warm in the spring in Texas. A warm day might mean a warm car ride to wherever the children are who wish to learn about animals. Puppies don't always travel in warm vehicles very well. Some have a tendency towards car sickness. By the time Mr. Jeff arrived at the school at which he was supposed to show the animals that day, little Mr. Yellow Lab had created a pool of puppy vomit in his kennel that Mr. Jeff had to attend to before he could begin his little...well, "dog and pony" show...or, maybe we should say "dog and snake" show. This made him a little late for his appointment with the children, so he naturally became a bit flustered, but being the consummate professional that he was, Jeff rallied and figured the show must go on.


Mr. Jeff carefully toted the animals in their kennels or carriers into the classroom and began his talk. He brought little Mr. Sick Puppy out and passed the dog around. The pup had regained control of himself and all of the children enjoyed petting his soft fur and examining his whiskers and eyes and ears and tail. They ooohed and awwwed about how cute the pup was, and how sweet, and look he licked me he must like me, and what do dogs eat anyway, do they eat cats, and my cousin's dog ate a frog once and then you know what Mr. Jeff he got sick and his mouth started foaming up and my Aunt Sue had to take him to the vetri...veterin...veteriNA-Tarian! And, Jeff just smiled and nodded and chuckled indulgently.


Then it was Caldo's turn to greet the children. Now, Caldo was a nice turtle. He was a good turtle. But, you know, turtles' facial expressions don't change much. They aren't known for showing an overt display of emotion. And, of course, they don't talk really, so it's not like they can tell you when...oh, I don't know...say, nature calls. So, Mr. Caldo proceeded to make the rounds of the circle where the children are seated on the floor. He's a large turtle, so he's a bit heavy. Each child took his turn patting Caldo's shell and admiring his little turtle tail and his beady turtle eyes. The child would then pick Caldo up and pass him to the next child, and...


It was about this point that Mr. Jeff decided that Mr. Ball Python needed to come out of his carrier so that he would be ready to be passed around when it was his turn. But, lacking a way to keep curious old Mr. Snake from slithering around and possibly ending up somewhere he shouldn't be, Mr. Jeff decided to put the snake into the button up shirt he was wearing...you know...just for safe keeping. You see, Mr. Jeff was very wise about animal handling, he knew that his body heat would keep the snake calm and sleepy so that he would be easier to handle when his show time came around. Mr. Snake really wasn't in a cooperative mood that day, however, and as with Mr. Caldo, snakes are reptiles and reptiles just aren't really good about making their needs known. Well, I suppose rattlesnakes are. I mean if a rattlesnake told you to get the hell out of his space by coiling up into an evil looking coil and rattling that Satanic sounding tail, you'd probably get the message real quick. But, Mr. Ball Python was a python and pythons don't have rattles or really any other way to communicate and this Mr. Python needed to communicate something to Mr. Jeff pretty urgently that afternoon.


And, the next child who was lucky enough to be handed Mr. Caldo was in for a rude awakening. At about this point when Mr. Jeff heard, "Ewwwwww...he's wee weeing! He's wee weeing!" he looked up and sure enough a steady stream of urine was pouring forth from the turtle's heinie. Pandemonium ensued. Children were shrieking and squealing and pushing chairs out of the way in their haste to retreat from the impending flood of turtle pee, teachers were laughing, Mr. Jeff was trying to put the puppy back into his kennel, keep the snake in his shirt and keep track of Caldo to make sure that Caldo's antics didn't cause him to be dropped on the floor and injured...when it suddenly became apparent what Mr. Snake really needed to communicate to Mr. Jeff that afternoon.


Suddenly, Mr. Jeff could feel a wet, sticky, slimy and could otherwise detect an EXTREMELY foul smelling wad of something in his shirt. He gingerly pulled the neckline of his shirt away from his skin and looked down to find snake poop smeared like butter on an ear of corn all over the inside of his shirt and, of course, all over his torso. Meanwhile, the puppy was still not secured in the kennel and the turtle was still creating mayhem in the group of now giggling and hyperactive children.

The angel who is supposed to watch over these types of proceedings finally returned from lunch at about this time and things were soon righted and put back to order. Mr. Jeff wasn't sure whether to be embarrassed or amused and looked to the teachers to gauge their reaction to the events that had transpired that afternoon. Without fail, each teacher smiled widely, suppressed a giggle or two, and thanked him for a most enlightening...and, um...amusing visit...and concluded their afternoon with a single question:

When do you suppose you could come visit us again?

And, Jeff, wearing a shirt full of snake poop, carrying a kennel full of sick puppy in one hand and a turtle who no longer needed to go potty in the other, smiled that sheepish smile that I love so well, turned slowly and walked out into the bright sunlight of a warm spring day.