The Year of Vanity

This month marks a full year since I broke a longterm friendship.  I didn't break the friendship by choice, nor did I do so lightly. In fact, at the time the friendship became damaged, it seemed a stupid, silly squabble, a heated set of words hurled across the dinner table during what should have been a time of family celebration and togetherness.  Perhaps I was too sensitive, but I got my feelings hurt. Opinions and thoughts that I had expressed in the past were thrown back in my face, ridiculed and criticized.  I was blindsided and deeply wounded.  I was also very tired at the time, very stressed, slightly inebriated. In retrospect, there was certainly a recipe for a relationship disaster.

I have thought many, many times about whether the friendship was salvageable, and if it was, what would be the best way of repairing it.  Of course, it seems obvious to me that the best way to knit back together what was once one of the most important relationships I've ever had would be for someone to apologize, but sadly, I simply cannot bring myself to apologize for something I don't believe is my fault.  Equally sad is the fact that the other party will not apologize either for this person truly believes that they are in the right.

Am I sorry that the friendship is broken? Absolutely. Do I believe that at some point both of us will deeply regret our respective parts in this difficult situation? Of course, I do.  But I also wonder if there even is a way back from a place where no communication is allowed or encouraged.  Neither party will budge.  Neither party wants to make the first move.  Neither party wants to even attempt communication.

The root of the problem, of course, is that a trust has been broken. Friends should feel free to express their doubts and desires and dislikes without fear that they will be embarrassed or misunderstood or ridiculed. During the confrontation that caused the rift in this friendship, the other party felt that they had a right to their opinions in a family matter, and they felt that they needed to express and have someone heed those opinions.  And, yes, they did have that right.  There is an appropriate time and place to have those sorts of discussions, though, and I felt as if I was being ridiculed for giving my best effort to make the best of a bad situation.  I am extremely sensitive about being ridiculed for any reason.  So, the trust that each of us felt in the safety of family and our friendship was destroyed, shattered by ego and pride, mangled by vanity.

Is it pride that makes us stubborn? Are we really happier being separate?

Do I miss my friend?

Does my friend miss me?