Fifty Shades of Friendship

Starting over at almost 50 years old isn't easy.  I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but it IS dramatic to move over 1000 miles away from your home and friends and life and begin work on a new home, friends and life. It is dramatic to move from hot, humid, conservative southeast Texas to cool, humid, decidedly more liberal northwest Indiana.

It's a dramatic change at any age, but I believe it's moreso at 50.  At 50, you're supposed to have everything all figured out.  You're supposed to be rising in your career, near to finished with your child rearing, coddling your grandbabies and counting your stash of retirement gold.  At 50, you're not supposed to be sitting on your front stoop at 2:00 a.m., sobbing and worrying because your spouse hasn't found a new job, you don't have any friends and the beautiful old house you bought needs a new furnace.  Life is supposed to get easier at 50...or at least that's what I always thought.

On the other hand, change is good.  Drama may not be good, but change is.  Change presents challenges and challenges bring fresh perspectives and new ideas on how to tackle old problems.  So, your spouse is still going to need to look for that job and your old house still needs a new furnace, but you can figure out a new way to make friends, which is what I did.

No matter what anyone tells you, I am, at the bottom of my heart, a friendly person.  I do want people to like me.  Truly.  It's just that I want them to like me for me.  I won't put a lot of effort into trying to make and keep friends.  I cannot force you to like me.  I can be my funny, bizarre, ADD-riddled self and I can be kind and considerate and compassionate, and if you like me, GREAT!  If you don't, it's your loss.  I won't spend a lot of time agonizing over your lack of interest or trying to convince you why I'm so great or trying to remake myself into something else so that you'll have to like me.  I am great and fun and really cool, and if you're smart and funny and want to be entertained, you'll figure that out about me.

The thing is, there are not a lot of opportunities for people in their 50s to make friends.  It's not like when you were a kid and your mom set up playdates with the neighbors or made you go to church and you met other kids there.  It's not like you're in school and you can hang out with other kids after class, go out to movies, or bars or clubs, sit and talk and get to know each other. When you're 50 and don't belong to a church, that potential avenue for friend finding is closed. When you're 50, you're probably not attending classes or going out to bars.  If you're like me, you've probably discovered the wisdom of keeping work relationships at work and home relationships at home.

So, my challenge was how do you meet people and make friends if you're older and you're starting over in life in a strange new place? My answer was simple.  I decided to search for friends on the Internet.  I know it sounds weird and possibly unsafe, but I went onto a social website that allows its members to search for other folks in their geographical area who meet to pursue hobbies or share interests.  It's true that this particular site might be better suited to young, single folks because they generally have more flexibility of schedule and find it less daunting to pursue socializing with complete strangers. But I dug up some courage and I spent a huge chunk of time searching for a group in which I'd be comfortable, and when I didn't find one, I simply created my own group by deciding that my little corner of Indiana needed a supper club.  Through my supper club, I met someone who directed me to another group for women in my area to get together a night or two a month for wine or dinner or book discussion.  Thus began my slow process of making new friends in my new home place.

It took several months and some false starts.  I attended meetings and dinners looking for what my son aptly called my "Sex in the City" girls, i.e. other smart, funny women who had the potential to become my new best friends, friends who could be counted on to cheer me up when I was sad or lonely, friends who would support me when I felt insecure, friends who could meet me for a drink or a movie or lunch, friends who would let me be ridiculous.

I think I've found a friend or two who fits that description.  Of course, I fully realize that it takes years to build a true, solid friendship based on mutual love and respect, but at least I've got a potential foundation started.  It's very exciting but more than that, it's hopeful. 

And hopeful is really, really good. 

Really.