Yesterday, a terrible, terrible tragedy occurred. A disturbed man, armed with a couple of guns, entered an elementary school in Connecticut and shot and killed 27 innocent people, many of them young children.
When horrendous things like this occur nowadays, everyone is compelled to run to their Facebook account and posts their feelings about what happened. Although I believe that it is healthy to vent strong emotions in order to attempt to shine light on them and attempt to make sense of them, it was with a great deal of despair that I watched comment after comment after comment pop up on my Facebook feed.
The despair I felt was mostly centered on two topics related to the massacre that were inappropriate and illogical. One topic was political, which I thought was dumb and in incredibly poor taste to bring up while emotions were high and folks were still reeling from shock, but which I suppose was an understandable topic in light of the horrendous and unexpected attack. The other topic was just shocking and stupid and completely illogical, and it's one I've been mulling over for the past 24 hours or so while I'm trying to wrap my brain around the senselessness of the situation.
I will never understand why folks, particularly Christians, will say things like:
"Well, what do you expect? God is no longer allowed in schools."
"Why did God allow this to happen?"
The first question is one of the more ludicrous, and indeed, hurtful, things I've ever heard from folks who profess to be Christians. The inference of this statement is that God's power is limited. That man, in his pathetic attempts to control his world, can actually keep God out of schools and away from the people inside those schools. That just because man has decided to officially remove prayer from the school day, God is for some reason no longer able to have an effect on what happens inside school walls.
If, as a Christian, you truly believe that God is infinite, that He is omniscient and omnipresent, you must accept that God was inside that school when the gunman entered. He was there with those poor, innocent babies as they were slaughtered in front of their classmates and their teachers. If you accept that God was there in that school at that time because you know that man cannot possibly contain God, no matter how much legislation is passed regarding the separation of church and state, then the second question is the more reasonable and natural question to ask.
Why did God allow this tragedy to occur? Why did God allow folks, who innocently awakened one morning on a cold December day, bathed, dressed, ate their cereal and went off to that school, to be slaughtered randomly by a madman for no reason? The answer is that He didn't. He didn't allow this tragedy to occur. God doesn't work that way. When He created human beings, He gave them free will. Men and women are free to choose whether they will do evil or good.
God is not some magical, mythical being who flits around with a wand and say, "Uh uh uh, oh no no, you can't do that." Because if He did do that, if He did prevent these sorts of awful things from happening, then we wouldn't have free will and we couldn't make a conscious decision to love and follow Him. This darkest day occurred because a man woke up on December 14, 2012 and made a decision to do evil, to consciously choose to exercise his free will and to wantonly kill other human beings before he took his own life.
That's it in a nutshell.
God didn't choose for or allow those students and teachers to be slaughtered.
Man did.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
The Year of Vanity
This month marks a full year since I broke a longterm friendship. I didn't break the friendship by choice, nor did I do so lightly. In fact, at the time the friendship became damaged, it seemed a stupid, silly squabble, a heated set of words hurled across the dinner table during what should have been a time of family celebration and togetherness. Perhaps I was too sensitive, but I got my feelings hurt. Opinions and thoughts that I had expressed in the past were thrown back in my face, ridiculed and criticized. I was blindsided and deeply wounded. I was also very tired at the time, very stressed, slightly inebriated. In retrospect, there was certainly a recipe for a relationship disaster.
I have thought many, many times about whether the friendship was salvageable, and if it was, what would be the best way of repairing it. Of course, it seems obvious to me that the best way to knit back together what was once one of the most important relationships I've ever had would be for someone to apologize, but sadly, I simply cannot bring myself to apologize for something I don't believe is my fault. Equally sad is the fact that the other party will not apologize either for this person truly believes that they are in the right.
Am I sorry that the friendship is broken? Absolutely. Do I believe that at some point both of us will deeply regret our respective parts in this difficult situation? Of course, I do. But I also wonder if there even is a way back from a place where no communication is allowed or encouraged. Neither party will budge. Neither party wants to make the first move. Neither party wants to even attempt communication.
The root of the problem, of course, is that a trust has been broken. Friends should feel free to express their doubts and desires and dislikes without fear that they will be embarrassed or misunderstood or ridiculed. During the confrontation that caused the rift in this friendship, the other party felt that they had a right to their opinions in a family matter, and they felt that they needed to express and have someone heed those opinions. And, yes, they did have that right. There is an appropriate time and place to have those sorts of discussions, though, and I felt as if I was being ridiculed for giving my best effort to make the best of a bad situation. I am extremely sensitive about being ridiculed for any reason. So, the trust that each of us felt in the safety of family and our friendship was destroyed, shattered by ego and pride, mangled by vanity.
Is it pride that makes us stubborn? Are we really happier being separate?
Do I miss my friend?
Does my friend miss me?
I have thought many, many times about whether the friendship was salvageable, and if it was, what would be the best way of repairing it. Of course, it seems obvious to me that the best way to knit back together what was once one of the most important relationships I've ever had would be for someone to apologize, but sadly, I simply cannot bring myself to apologize for something I don't believe is my fault. Equally sad is the fact that the other party will not apologize either for this person truly believes that they are in the right.
Am I sorry that the friendship is broken? Absolutely. Do I believe that at some point both of us will deeply regret our respective parts in this difficult situation? Of course, I do. But I also wonder if there even is a way back from a place where no communication is allowed or encouraged. Neither party will budge. Neither party wants to make the first move. Neither party wants to even attempt communication.
The root of the problem, of course, is that a trust has been broken. Friends should feel free to express their doubts and desires and dislikes without fear that they will be embarrassed or misunderstood or ridiculed. During the confrontation that caused the rift in this friendship, the other party felt that they had a right to their opinions in a family matter, and they felt that they needed to express and have someone heed those opinions. And, yes, they did have that right. There is an appropriate time and place to have those sorts of discussions, though, and I felt as if I was being ridiculed for giving my best effort to make the best of a bad situation. I am extremely sensitive about being ridiculed for any reason. So, the trust that each of us felt in the safety of family and our friendship was destroyed, shattered by ego and pride, mangled by vanity.
Is it pride that makes us stubborn? Are we really happier being separate?
Do I miss my friend?
Does my friend miss me?
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Fifty Shades of Friendship
Starting over at almost 50 years old isn't easy. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but it IS dramatic to move over 1000 miles away from your home and friends and life and begin work on a new home, friends and life. It is dramatic to move from hot, humid, conservative southeast Texas to cool, humid, decidedly more liberal northwest Indiana.
It's a dramatic change at any age, but I believe it's moreso at 50. At 50, you're supposed to have everything all figured out. You're supposed to be rising in your career, near to finished with your child rearing, coddling your grandbabies and counting your stash of retirement gold. At 50, you're not supposed to be sitting on your front stoop at 2:00 a.m., sobbing and worrying because your spouse hasn't found a new job, you don't have any friends and the beautiful old house you bought needs a new furnace. Life is supposed to get easier at 50...or at least that's what I always thought.
On the other hand, change is good. Drama may not be good, but change is. Change presents challenges and challenges bring fresh perspectives and new ideas on how to tackle old problems. So, your spouse is still going to need to look for that job and your old house still needs a new furnace, but you can figure out a new way to make friends, which is what I did.
No matter what anyone tells you, I am, at the bottom of my heart, a friendly person. I do want people to like me. Truly. It's just that I want them to like me for me. I won't put a lot of effort into trying to make and keep friends. I cannot force you to like me. I can be my funny, bizarre, ADD-riddled self and I can be kind and considerate and compassionate, and if you like me, GREAT! If you don't, it's your loss. I won't spend a lot of time agonizing over your lack of interest or trying to convince you why I'm so great or trying to remake myself into something else so that you'll have to like me. I am great and fun and really cool, and if you're smart and funny and want to be entertained, you'll figure that out about me.
The thing is, there are not a lot of opportunities for people in their 50s to make friends. It's not like when you were a kid and your mom set up playdates with the neighbors or made you go to church and you met other kids there. It's not like you're in school and you can hang out with other kids after class, go out to movies, or bars or clubs, sit and talk and get to know each other. When you're 50 and don't belong to a church, that potential avenue for friend finding is closed. When you're 50, you're probably not attending classes or going out to bars. If you're like me, you've probably discovered the wisdom of keeping work relationships at work and home relationships at home.
So, my challenge was how do you meet people and make friends if you're older and you're starting over in life in a strange new place? My answer was simple. I decided to search for friends on the Internet. I know it sounds weird and possibly unsafe, but I went onto a social website that allows its members to search for other folks in their geographical area who meet to pursue hobbies or share interests. It's true that this particular site might be better suited to young, single folks because they generally have more flexibility of schedule and find it less daunting to pursue socializing with complete strangers. But I dug up some courage and I spent a huge chunk of time searching for a group in which I'd be comfortable, and when I didn't find one, I simply created my own group by deciding that my little corner of Indiana needed a supper club. Through my supper club, I met someone who directed me to another group for women in my area to get together a night or two a month for wine or dinner or book discussion. Thus began my slow process of making new friends in my new home place.
It took several months and some false starts. I attended meetings and dinners looking for what my son aptly called my "Sex in the City" girls, i.e. other smart, funny women who had the potential to become my new best friends, friends who could be counted on to cheer me up when I was sad or lonely, friends who would support me when I felt insecure, friends who could meet me for a drink or a movie or lunch, friends who would let me be ridiculous.
I think I've found a friend or two who fits that description. Of course, I fully realize that it takes years to build a true, solid friendship based on mutual love and respect, but at least I've got a potential foundation started. It's very exciting but more than that, it's hopeful.
And hopeful is really, really good.
Really.
It's a dramatic change at any age, but I believe it's moreso at 50. At 50, you're supposed to have everything all figured out. You're supposed to be rising in your career, near to finished with your child rearing, coddling your grandbabies and counting your stash of retirement gold. At 50, you're not supposed to be sitting on your front stoop at 2:00 a.m., sobbing and worrying because your spouse hasn't found a new job, you don't have any friends and the beautiful old house you bought needs a new furnace. Life is supposed to get easier at 50...or at least that's what I always thought.
On the other hand, change is good. Drama may not be good, but change is. Change presents challenges and challenges bring fresh perspectives and new ideas on how to tackle old problems. So, your spouse is still going to need to look for that job and your old house still needs a new furnace, but you can figure out a new way to make friends, which is what I did.
No matter what anyone tells you, I am, at the bottom of my heart, a friendly person. I do want people to like me. Truly. It's just that I want them to like me for me. I won't put a lot of effort into trying to make and keep friends. I cannot force you to like me. I can be my funny, bizarre, ADD-riddled self and I can be kind and considerate and compassionate, and if you like me, GREAT! If you don't, it's your loss. I won't spend a lot of time agonizing over your lack of interest or trying to convince you why I'm so great or trying to remake myself into something else so that you'll have to like me. I am great and fun and really cool, and if you're smart and funny and want to be entertained, you'll figure that out about me.
The thing is, there are not a lot of opportunities for people in their 50s to make friends. It's not like when you were a kid and your mom set up playdates with the neighbors or made you go to church and you met other kids there. It's not like you're in school and you can hang out with other kids after class, go out to movies, or bars or clubs, sit and talk and get to know each other. When you're 50 and don't belong to a church, that potential avenue for friend finding is closed. When you're 50, you're probably not attending classes or going out to bars. If you're like me, you've probably discovered the wisdom of keeping work relationships at work and home relationships at home.
So, my challenge was how do you meet people and make friends if you're older and you're starting over in life in a strange new place? My answer was simple. I decided to search for friends on the Internet. I know it sounds weird and possibly unsafe, but I went onto a social website that allows its members to search for other folks in their geographical area who meet to pursue hobbies or share interests. It's true that this particular site might be better suited to young, single folks because they generally have more flexibility of schedule and find it less daunting to pursue socializing with complete strangers. But I dug up some courage and I spent a huge chunk of time searching for a group in which I'd be comfortable, and when I didn't find one, I simply created my own group by deciding that my little corner of Indiana needed a supper club. Through my supper club, I met someone who directed me to another group for women in my area to get together a night or two a month for wine or dinner or book discussion. Thus began my slow process of making new friends in my new home place.
It took several months and some false starts. I attended meetings and dinners looking for what my son aptly called my "Sex in the City" girls, i.e. other smart, funny women who had the potential to become my new best friends, friends who could be counted on to cheer me up when I was sad or lonely, friends who would support me when I felt insecure, friends who could meet me for a drink or a movie or lunch, friends who would let me be ridiculous.
I think I've found a friend or two who fits that description. Of course, I fully realize that it takes years to build a true, solid friendship based on mutual love and respect, but at least I've got a potential foundation started. It's very exciting but more than that, it's hopeful.
And hopeful is really, really good.
Really.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Changes in Latitudes/Changes in Attitudes
So, I came back here to "my blog" recently when someone reminded me of my failed Roller Derby Goddess foray and realized that I haven't really written anything new in about two years now. Yikes. Two years flew by, and, while my life isn't always the most exciting, things certainly have been happening that are worth mentioning and discussing and figuring out.
Two years ago, I worked as a crew scheduler for a major airline. I was promoted from that poisition to the position of crew coordinator. During this time period, my company merged with one of its competitors, which necessitated me moving my home and family from Texas to Northwest Indiana. I am almost 50 years old. I was born and raised in Texas. I grew up, attended high school, college, got married and had babies, buried a father and a father-in-law, all in the Great State of Texas. To say that there was some culture shock involved in this 1000 mile move across the country would be an understatement.
But along with the culture shock, I saw and still firmly believe that there was and is a huge opportunity, the opportunity to learn, to grow, to become a better person. As I characterized it to my husband and friends, and to anyone else who would listen: How many times in your life are you given the gift of an opportunity to completely remake yourself? This sort of opportunity is both extremely exciting and a bit daunting, but I remain hopeful and positive that the very best part of my life is yet to be experienced. So, I'd like to chronicle some of the thoughts and experiences I have here in the Midwest...as soon as my fingers thaw out and my teeth stop chattering.
Two years ago, I worked as a crew scheduler for a major airline. I was promoted from that poisition to the position of crew coordinator. During this time period, my company merged with one of its competitors, which necessitated me moving my home and family from Texas to Northwest Indiana. I am almost 50 years old. I was born and raised in Texas. I grew up, attended high school, college, got married and had babies, buried a father and a father-in-law, all in the Great State of Texas. To say that there was some culture shock involved in this 1000 mile move across the country would be an understatement.
But along with the culture shock, I saw and still firmly believe that there was and is a huge opportunity, the opportunity to learn, to grow, to become a better person. As I characterized it to my husband and friends, and to anyone else who would listen: How many times in your life are you given the gift of an opportunity to completely remake yourself? This sort of opportunity is both extremely exciting and a bit daunting, but I remain hopeful and positive that the very best part of my life is yet to be experienced. So, I'd like to chronicle some of the thoughts and experiences I have here in the Midwest...as soon as my fingers thaw out and my teeth stop chattering.
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