Winterfreakingwonderland...

Here's how my day started yesterday:


Looked out my bedroom window at 4:55 a.m. right before I headed out for the office. My comment was, "Oh, shit."

Six inches of snow between my front door and my car parked on the street in front of my house. Almost ate it on the way down my front steps. Images of lying broken in the snow and freezing to death and having neighborhood wildlife nibbling on my frozen carcass made me press on. Waded through snow on my front lawn? sidewalk? street? whatever to get to my car. Tried to turn on windshield wipers but the weight of the snow made them stop halfway up. Started car that didn't want to start, revved engine a couple of times, cranked heat up to nuclear blast level. Got out of car and kinda swooshed snow off the windshield with the sleeves of my coat because I didn't have a snow brush thingie. Got back in car and tried to thaw hands out enough to grip steering wheel and thaw feet out enough to feel pedals. Put car in gear and pressed on gas, released clutch and kinda hoped for the best.

Drove 18 miles to work on major freeways, some of which had seen a snow plow at some point during the previous night. Almost ate it again when a school bus decided that its lane wasn't large enough and it needed some of mine too. Hit brakes and felt the stomach rumbling feeling of a little fishtailing down the freeway at 40 mph. Tried not to poop pants. Somewhat successful. Screamed obscenities at the unwitting bus driver about his lack of intelligence and questioned with what animals his parents mated. Did not feel better.

Reached parking garage and endured arctic blast when window rolled down to swipe entry card. Redressed myself in my hat, scarf, gloves, and overcoat before exiting vehicle. Almost ate it for the third time in less than 45 minutes on the snowy, icy walkway to elevator in garage. Images of lying broken and frozen in garage and having urban wildlife steal my boots and socks made me press on. Deciding whom I would sue first should I injure my big fat heinie on the concrete spurred me to keep going. Exited elevator and garage lobby to find another six inches of snow that had to be navigated between the garage and the Willis Tower...and IT WAS SNOWING AGAIN, DAMMIT. Stood at the corner, spitting wet, half frozen hair out of my mouth and slitting my eyes against the snowflakes that were slamming into my eyeballs like excrutiatingly cold grains of sand, and waited for the two different stoplights I had to negotiate to get into my building. Decided if I turned my head AWAY from the driving snow, my hair would still be a problem but at least I wasn't in any danger of going blind.

Finally, walked into building where the security personnel yelled a cheery, "Good morning!" at me before I even got my gloves, hat and scarf under control. Resisted impulse to tell them to go copulate with themselves.

Congratulated myself on the accomplishment of staying alive for another hour.